I love the way she can still make me laugh.

Beginning to wonder if this is healthy.

-Nick

I had an interesting problem today. I work in an office. I considered taking off today, but as that would have been a pussy thing to do, I went in. This is likely a good thing as Jane wasn’t around to discuss us not being around each other for a while anyway. There’s probably irony in there somewhere, but i’m feeling bitter and don’t want to find it. I digress. In my office, I work in a smaller, waist high cubicle. On the monitor for my computer, I have taped a wallet sized picture of Jane, as up until recently I didn’t have a wallet. I’m at a loss with what to do with this thing. When it occured to me yesterday, I figured I’d just stick it in a drawer until the break ended, at which point it would proudly retake it’s rightful position. When I tried this, I had an emo attack. So I put it back, and whenever I heard a sad song, or a song about a girl, or a song about breaking up, or a song about not breaking up, or sometimes for no reason at all,  I got a miniature emo attack and started thinking about her. This is pretty much what I figured was going to happen. I’m pretty sure i’d freak out if i went to look for it and it was gone, too, so I don’t know. Something to consider.

Today wasn’t much different from the past few weeks. I had my downer moments, and I had some giggly ones where I thought about our future. I worried over her response to my email, which included the stipulation that I would probably not be able to deal with her seeing other people during our break. I really don’t think I could, and I know deep down that she won’t have a problem with that, but my head likes to fuck with my heart, and it’s not as if Jane has been particularly forthcoming lately. I played Aion, which i’m desperately trying to get into the way I used to be into WoW. I need something to do which isn’t think about Jane all day, and I can’t really discover who I am and what life’s all aboutin my current mental state. You could argue that I won’t find it over the internet, but fuck you, if i can find an asian woman shitting into her own mouth why can’t I find life here?

I’m a little bitter, yeah. It’s been rough, I feel i’m entitled.

-Nick

My teachers in high school used to always say it was a good thing to have goals. I used to make mine to be a garbageman, and then people never talked to me about goals again. It was a nice feeling. Right now, though, I wish I had paid a little more attention.

I love the way Jane gets all jealous and clingy when I tell her about someone who thought I was cute, or made a pass at me. I found it by accident, mentioning a girl who had sticky-note’d her number to my shoulder because I thought it was bizarre, and don’t get hit on hardly ever, but Jane was not amused. It quickly became one of her more endearing traits, in my eyes.

-Nick

I feel like I should start with some background, if only for completeness’ sake. My name is Nick. This blog is my outlet, my chronicle, a way to keep myself sane through what i hope is a temporary break in my long-term, long-distance, other-phrases-that-start-with-long, thats-what-she-said relationship with my girlfriend, hereafter referred to as “Jane” as that is not  her name, but it’s the internet, and if there’s one thing i know, the internet is really fucking good at finding stuff out and telling Jane’s parents, who are kind of nuts, in the kind of way that makes you uncomfortable when you’re standing in your corner.

We met on the internet, declared our undying passion on the internet, quit WoW on the internet, and had sex in real life a few weeks ago. Lately our relationship has been taxing on us, and I feel on me, in particular. See, I fell into that trap where I pretty much only associated with Jane.  She was my best friend, my love, and the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. She still is, mind you, but since then she went to college and picked up friends, and has since needed to spend time with them. I’m okay with this, but then she started getting WORK and she has the nerve to have to try to balance that in with her friends, and with me, and it was getting to be too much for her with my constant breakdowns.I make it worse for myself, because of low self-confidence (which is actually much better than it used to be. I credit Jane for that, as does my ex-psychologist) and a history of idolizing martyrs, imagining her with other men, off talking about how pathetic and terrible I am, and wondering if she’s really studying.

Jane wouldn’t do any of that, of course. She’s been stressed enough as it is trying to balance everything in her life, and as I implied previously, we used to have much much much more time together. Throw that in with a promise from her parents to remove her from College if she gets less than a B average, and she’s got a lot to do. I don’t want to add to that at all.

I went to a wedding last weekend. My best friend married her long-term, long-distance boyfriend (Beginning to see a pattern? Yes, i’m an internet nerd.) and I was invited. It was wonderful, at times, and at others I could barely stand it. I think the most beautiful moment for me personally was when her mother stood up and gave a speech at the reception. The worst was probably the actual ceremony, when i began to lose hold of reality (possibly because of the heat, but I like to think i’m not that big of a pussy and that it’s an emotional thing instead) and imagined Jane and myself up there. I haven’t been in a good place lately.

Jane’s best friend, Token Irish Woman (who, incidently is in a long-distance [but not long-term yet] relationship with Token Canadian Guy) has been talking me through the last few weeks with astonishing patience and love that makes me smile when I think about it. She’s got a good heart. Token Canadian Guy does too, although he tends to make me want to break his jaw when he talks about Jane for reasons I don’t really understand. Maybe one of these days I’ll ask him.

Jane asked me to take a break today. About an hour ago, or so. She told me she still loved me and couldn’t bear the thought of truly breaking up with me and ending our relationship, and to be frank the thought still makes me physically ill. I obliged her, and she had to leave. I asked her to speak again before we really started it, and she agreed. I took the time since to think hey, maybe ill livejournal all this, then decided i had too many testicles to post on livejournal, and started a private wordpress blog. I’m going to try instead to chronicle this for myself, and for her later, maybe. Last time something like this happened I ruined the song “Float on” for myself, and I really liked that song, and I don’t want to do something like that again. Instead i’ll pour my heart out on the internet, because the internet is full of kind, caring souls who want nothing more than to see me happy. Right?

-Nick